Out And About With Hilda And Stan Down on the Farm It was a Sunday; Stan had his nose buried in last weeks News of the World when the phone rang. He peered over the top, with a “it’s bound to be for you look” and turned his concentration back to the story about the vicar, several members of the Women’s Institute and novel uses for hassocks or was it cassocks? Hilda sighed and went to answer the phone. Stan had just about worked out the difference between hassocks and cassocks when Hilda returned. It was Mavis she told him, he looked puzzled, you know Mavis and Reg she explained, anyway Mavis's mother is ill and they want us to house sit for a week while they go to England. Fine, said Stan who has just reached a rather juicy bit about the Church Warden and what he saw in the vestry. Hilda picked up her magazine and waited, it didn’t take long. Stan dropped the paper, his glasses flying off his nose. “But what about all the animals?” he spluttered. “She was really worried about her mum” said Hilda “I told her you would be delighted to look after the animals, after all it’s only for a week. They are going tonight but Mavis has written down all the instructions. What can possibly go wrong?” Next day they were up at the crack of dawn well 9am and off to inspect the task in hand. Stan having given the matter some thought had reached the conclusion that it couldn’t be that hard, his opinion of Mavis was that she is a bit dippy and not too bright, so if she could do it, it was only common sense that someone such as himself with his military background (six weeks in the TA) would not only excel but make improvements to the no doubt haphazard way Mavis does things. Arriving at the house all looked peaceful and quiet, as they walked through the gate however Stan was nearly knocked over by the very boisterous greeting from Nelson, a rather large but very friendly mastiff, actually Nelson isn’t the dangerous one, as Stan discovered as Suzy the Jack Russell took a small chunk out of his ankle. Yelling with pain and surprise Stan had to sit down whilst Hilda fetched the Fist Aid kit from the car. Once the blood was cleaned up she was able to tell Stan that it was only a scratch, and anyway it was his own fault for frightening Suzy. Hilda went to the shed and found the list Mavis had left for them. It detailed the amount of food to give the chickens, goats, donkey, tortoises, dogs, cats and of course the pet lamb. Stan now over the worst of the pain excitedly headed for the chickens looking forward to fresh eggs for his breakfast. He found one almost straight away, but was so disappointed when Hilda explained that it was a dummy to encourage the hens to lay real ones, that she had to promise him bacon and eggs anyway when he got home. Hilda consulted the list and fetched the halters for the goats; apparently they had to be taken round to the empty land down the road to graze on the lush long grass. After a few attempts the halters were on and Stan leading two goats and followed by the donkey made an interesting site plodding down the road. Hilda decided to fetch the lamb, now Hilda had never actually seen the lamb before. Mavis had “rescued” it when it was going to be slaughtered so she had a bit of a soft spot for it. Hilda opened the stable door and couldn’t believe her eyes, there was the biggest Ram she had ever seen. Not only was it huge but it had enormous curving horns that looked as if they could do serious damage. The ram, not familiar with strange ladies in pink shell suits was equally taken aback and deciding that Hilda’s fashion sense left a lot to be desired decided to follow the others down to the grazing. He was most upset at as he saw it almost left behind that he shouted to the others to wait and started to run to catch up with them. By this time Stan was beginning to enjoy the novelty of walking along the road with his menagerie when he heard Hilda’s scream and looked up to seen a very large animal with huge horns charging at him. In his panic to get away he dropped the halters and made an extremely undignified attempt at a vault over a neighbor’s wall. He landed in a crumpled heap among some stinging nettles and opened his eyes to see the very curious family eyeing him over their breakfast. Fortunately they spoke some English and while they helped him out the nettles he explained that he was being chased by a mad animal with huge horns, they nodded and made sympathetic noises and went to check the situation. A few minutes late they returned with a slightly shaken Hilda and their 6 year old daughter riding happily on the back of the “mad animal with huge horns”. As they explained later over breakfast the animals were all really friendly and were a common site in the neighborhood. But they could quite understand how appearances could be deceptive!! The neighbors suggested they help to look after the animals till Mavis returned, Stan jumped at the chance and even Hilda looked relieved. Thanks to the neighbors the rest of the week passed mainly without incident. Well apart from loosing a tortoise for two days (Hilda had no idea they were so quick, she swore she only turned her back on it for a second) Nelson found it roaming in the undergrowth and decided it made quite a good ball till it got fed up and bit his nose. Stan and Suzy waged a battle all week over Stan’s feet. Stan said it was the hideous socks Hilda made him wear but Hilda was convinced that it was the smell of his feet that upset Suzy. Even the chickens seemed happy and by the end of the week everyone had fresh eggs for breakfast.